Rowena was around 16 when she fell pregnant and had her son, Fergus Roderick MacLeod, who came from an affair that Rowena had with a wealthy married man. She'd grown up in (likely) rural Scotland, a tanner's daughter, and due to the poverty that she'd grown up in noted that her parents were absent (or likely dead). She was poor, had no prospects, and no income from the father of her child (minus anything he may have given to her). What Rowena did have? The home she'd grown up in and some land for animals (or a farm she worked on).
Pregnancy and childbirth were always going to be complicated: a single woman with an illegitimate child? To Rowena it hadn't mattered: she was in love. The father of her child was likely the first man that she'd loved and had also told her that he loved her. Except he wasn't so kind or truthful, leaving Rowena to return to his wife as she gave birth. It was already a traumatic birth for her, Rowena describing herself as being half-dead during it, thighs slick with blood, and then she was left alone with her baby, an act that was so devastating to her that it influenced how she treated her son.
Rowena wanted to love her child, this was her baby and despite being alone she should love him, but all Rowena could see as she looked at her son was an image of the man who had betrayed her. She'd been in love, had her heart crushed and it was a feeling unlike anything she'd felt before. Her mental health was tragic at this point in her life, devastated when she should be happy, struggling due to her poverty and in the 17th century there was no term or help for her. She was alone: no parents, likely no social circle, no partner.
Being a terrible mother wasn't strictly out of choice but out of her emotional struggle: she wasn't physically abusive to her son but emotionally neglectful and distant, enough to the point that he grew up believing that his mother didn't love him. (She did but at that point in her life she couldn't allow herself to feel it or show it, needing to hate his father to steel herself and build herself back up). Love to Rowena had let her become broken at her weakest point and she wouldn't let herself feel that pain again: and that pain came from love (and betrayal).
Even though Rowena wasn't emotionally available for Fergus she was physically present (in his early childhood) and there were some fond memories that she had of their life together, even if he couldn't remember them (due to his own pain). She sang him lullabies, taught him about the animals she kept, took him with her when she went into town and, when Rowena began learning about magic, taught him aspects of magic. Despite how poor they were he also grew up healthy and fed, and she attempted to clothe him.
Rowena's foray into magic ended up being the start of trouble for them. Fergus was eight when she was forced out of Scotland, chased out during the Witch Trials and though she survived she left Fergus behind. It was both a poor choice moment of Rowena's but also an attempt at something better for him: she was left alone, had nowhere to sleep and her health and condition were incredibly poor at that time (described by Catriona Loughlin as a rag doll, flea-bitten and dirty) which was not something a child should go through. When Rowena left Scotland she left Fergus in a workhouse, a marginally better environment than her own. The poor choice from her is that she never returned for him, though it also took decades for Rowena to get herself onto her feet again.
Whilst Rowena never went back of him it is noted that she did keep tabs on him, having heard of his death after it had happened. Unfortunately, they weren't close enough tabs to ever then know of her grandson (or that might have influenced her actions) but despite her complicated feelings for her son she had been saddened by his death then.
When Rowena and Fergus reunite it's centuries later, Fergus having sold his soul to a demon before dying and later rising up to becoming King of Hell. When Rowena first meets him again she doesn't react motherly at all, trying to manipulate him for her own gains due to the power that he holds and wanting to have a place where she can feel secure. Whilst neither trusts the other, Rowena does (in a strange way) attempt to bond with Fergus and does act in a way that she genuinely believes is in his best interests: after her experiences with the Men of Letters she finds the Winchesters (hunters) threatening to both herself and Fergus, tries to help him keep a strong hand over Hell to ensure his rule and tries to reminisce and spend time with him. It's heavily layered in her manipulations but Rowena has never known how to be a mother and after spending centuries on the run has never felt settled, safe or been able to build many good social connections.
Their lack of trust means that he doesn't appreciate her efforts, Rowena ends up going too far in her efforts and both of them spend a chunk of the next few months trying to kill each other. But life keeps throwing them back into each other's lives and they do start to form a bond, particularly after Fergus gets an honest story out of Rowena due to using a Witchcatcher on her, forcing her to tell the truth about why she hates him (see above) and learning of some of her trauma and struggles in the process. It's not an easy story for either of them but it does give them both a moment of clarity and even footing, and being forced to work together with the Winchesters helps them to develop a little bit of caring for the other. When Rowena is killed by Lucifer (the first time) he seems to be visibly moved by it (and afraid of Lucifer) and later shows a slightly more caring hand towards her.
And then Rowena learns that she has a grandson. This is something that she's thrilled about, incredibly nervous but is excited to meet him and spend some time with him. The two talk a little about her early life, Gavin curious about his father when he was younger, and Rowena is honest with him, though there's clear guilt to her actions and what had happened during that period of her life (guilt and embarrassment).
Sadly, due to horrible circumstances, Rowena barely gets a chance to know him. Gavin had been brought through time years previously and to help restore the timeline he'd needed to be sent back, something that Rowena helped with. This was something that Fergus was abjectly against, refusing to let his son die when they had a new chance together and thus had a lot of scorn for Rowena for her help in sending Gavin back in time. Though, whilst Rowena had agreed to help it upset her, knowing that she had a grandson that she'd never met, mourning for the family she didn't have. When Fergus confronts her about it she responds to his scorn with her own unkindness, claiming that she'd done it to hurt him (given how he'd hurt her by "forcing" her to kill Oskar, a young boy she'd loved like a son), but her words are too emotional to be true, trying to hurt him to deflect from her own pain (so no one can see her weakness).
Rowena's emotions kick to a new level when she learns that Fergus has died (his final death) and whilst Rowena describes this as an unexpected reaction it's her finally feeling all of the emotion for her son that she'd bottled away for centuries: how much she'd loved him, the guilt that her choices and actions caused on his life and wishing that she could have done so much differently to give him a different life (where he didn't sell his soul to a demon or drink himself to death). It also makes Rowena go a little wild in her actions, unable to resurrect him herself (he was a demon), she tries to call Death out to get her son back, showing the lengths that she will go to for her family (and how much she truly did care).
Rowena was born in Scotland in the 17th century, a tanner's daughter, incredibly poor and someone with few prospects. Her parents were very absent when she was young, needing to work due to their monetary situation (and potentially dying young from health and conditions) and Rowena ended up finding love in the first man who made her happy. And then quickly devastated by the same man, a man who claimed to love her but abandoned her as she gave birth to their son. This was the first heartbreak that Rowena had known in her life and became a pivotal moment for her: she was not someone to love, men were cruel and she would be abandoned.
Not satisfied by her circumstances, wanting more of her life and needing something to protect herself with, Rowena began learning about witchcraft and magic. She was naturally talented at it, a natural witch and her efforts became noticed in the village she lived in by the townsfolk. And hunters: the British Men of Letters. Scotland wasn't safe for witches at that time, many women (and witches) that Rowena knew were burned alive, with Rowena only avoiding that due to being chased out of Scotland. This was her second tragedy: needing to feel safe had led to the loss of so much.
Alone and with nothing to her, Rowena travelled Europe in search of somewhere to rest, to find safety and to learn more about magic. She'd heard of a family of witches, very powerful witches and made her way to find them, though Rowena was very quickly rejected by them, refused any attention and was turned away. Rowena, finding her way to Italy, found a mentor in a Milanese witch who gave her refuge and the Grand Coven. Though they were judgemental of Rowena for having had a child with a non-magical person, they permitted her entry to the coven based on her great talent. However, they would later banish her from the coven, binding her magic due to believing her to be reckless and too wild for them, uncontrollable. These were her third and fourth betrayals which only further reinforced the idea that Rowena was unlovable and undesirable and that the only person she could count on was herself, that no one else would be in her corner.
But they were wrong, misjudging the woman who was before her, who had been shaped by the betrayals and fear that she'd known in her life. Rowena had turned to magic initially to give herself something more in her life, to be safe and secure, to be able to protect herself and to not feel weak as she had when she'd been rejected by the father of her child. Since then Rowena had only sought to strengthen her knowledge of magic, to learn, to be part of witch society, particularly with the coven. She wanted to learn, apt at magic, to grow the one thing in her life that she felt good at. And to continue feeling safe with a home, with a family, with a piece of stability in her life.
But she was alone again.
Until she finally found kindness. A Polish family took pity on Rowena, granting her safety in their home, a place to rest for a time. This kindness was the first thing that Rowena had felt in a very long time and it allowed her to heal a little, spending time cared for by them and helping them in return. They had a son, an 8-year-old who reminded her dearly of the child that she'd abandoned, however he was terminally ill. In gratitude to the family for helping her she healed his illness, bestowing immortality upon him before leaving them, rested, and a little healed.
However, Rowena didn't leave so willingly. After being banished, Rowena had to keep moving, unable to settle anywhere for too long: she was on the run from the Grand Coven, forbidden by them to use magic but not actually listening to that rule. So she kept moving, looking over her shoulder for the next few centuries, and becoming incredibly guarded. Though Rowena did settle for a time across the world, living in London and America (amongst other places) she never had anywhere she could stay for long, unable to really make a life for herself. So Rowena did what she could, finding ways to make money for the pieces of life that she could carve out before she had to run again.
But constantly being on the run, constantly looking over her shoulder and guarding herself made Rowena colder and harsher. She used her magic for herself, getting what she needed in the moment and though she never intentionally set out to hurt anyone she used her magic even knowing that there would be consequences, that some of her spells would kill people. But she justified it: she was looking out for herself no matter what. To others it made Rowena appear to be evil being so cold and uncaring, but it would be something that Rowena pushed the regret down as. Who would look out for her if she didn't? And why should she care for others when no one cared for her? So she embraced what people said, choosing not to argue against it. No one would listen anyway.
But there was always one thing missing from her life: happiness. And, after finding her son and being dragged into supernatural events (regrets!) a second: security. The desire to feel safe ends up leading Rowena to make some very terrible choices. Rowena knows that power means safety, it's what she's built her thinking on (and her own power) which is why she first tries to manipulate her son (to have the power and security of the King of Hell behind her) but after being rejected by him she sets her sights higher: Lucifer. After Lucifer comes to her in a dream she betrays the Winchesters plan to try and free Lucifer, succeeding in doing so. Except he's as self-serving as she's been, killing her for her efforts (so that she can never imprison him back in the cafe). However, Rowena's life has taught her to be one step ahead, teaching her how to survive and death doesn't stop her: not with the resurrection seal within her body.
Scared from her death and wanting nothing to do with anything supernatural, Rowena had tried to build herself a normal life. She was no longer afraid of the coven, letting herself settle and though she'd built up some money over the years it wasn't enough to feel secure. So she did what any normal woman would: try and find love. Although Rowena's hopes of love weren't real, the money and security that having someone in her life could offer her was really what she sought, looking for an easier life and trying to capture the feeling that she'd never had.
Not that Rowena would get her wish, dragged into more supernatural events, killed again and back at the beginning. Afraid. Weak. But also determined. Though Rowena had been seeking for years to try and remove the seal on her magic, to unleash her full power, it wasn't until again encountering the Loughlin family that Rowena found a way to do so. Whilst it hadn't been as pressing to break the spell it had always been a thought in her mind but now? Dying, the torture that Lucifer had put her through and the terror that she now felt were the push to seek more power: for protection, to feel safe, to never feel helpless again.
Whilst Rowena did manage to complete this, and it did make her feel safe (for the first time in a very long time) her life still lacked something: happiness.
It had been a long time since Rowena had thought about that for herself, but due to getting involved with the Winchesters, it had been something that had started cropping up more and more. And she couldn't help but now feel lost. Rowena had always sought power to feel safe, finding happiness in it, but after meeting God and his sister and finding them (the two most powerful beings in the universe) struggling with the same sibling issues that mortals did, it made her wonder what she'd spent her life doing.
The Winchesters also managed to confuse this. Originally, whenever they'd called Rowena had made a bargain with them, neither side trusting the other and Rowena trying to get something out of it for her benefit. After meeting God? Those bargains stopped. Rowena slowly began to realise that the Winchesters were not as terrible as other hunters she'd known, that they were looking out for the good of the world, and subconsciously it encouraged her to do the same. She offered help when they asked without asking for something in return. And every time they asked they got to know her a little better, she got to know them a little better and a fondness started to grow.
Particularly for Sam Winchester, though Rowena wouldn't realise how long that fondness had been growing.
Sam had first asked Rowena for help when they were "mortal enemies" and this was new to Rowena, feeling useful, being desired for her magic, being needed. Though she'd bargained then and not realised that this feeling was what brought her happiness it was also what made her more willing to help every time they asked: she didn't need a bargain to get something because doing the right thing did something, it brought her contentment, it served well for her life and it slowly built friendships and security. She didn't need to fear hunters if she helped them, the world would be safer and she would be safer.
Though Rowena still had many regrets in her life, and many things to learn, finally feeling wanted and needed in her life ended up bringing her more happiness and security than she'd thought she could ever obtain. It gave her the thing she'd always desired in life.
If only someone had tried that centuries ago. She'd have lived a very different life, knowing kindness and being kinder.
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★ META COMMENTARY
★ CROWLEY
Pregnancy and childbirth were always going to be complicated: a single woman with an illegitimate child? To Rowena it hadn't mattered: she was in love. The father of her child was likely the first man that she'd loved and had also told her that he loved her. Except he wasn't so kind or truthful, leaving Rowena to return to his wife as she gave birth. It was already a traumatic birth for her, Rowena describing herself as being half-dead during it, thighs slick with blood, and then she was left alone with her baby, an act that was so devastating to her that it influenced how she treated her son.
Rowena wanted to love her child, this was her baby and despite being alone she should love him, but all Rowena could see as she looked at her son was an image of the man who had betrayed her. She'd been in love, had her heart crushed and it was a feeling unlike anything she'd felt before. Her mental health was tragic at this point in her life, devastated when she should be happy, struggling due to her poverty and in the 17th century there was no term or help for her. She was alone: no parents, likely no social circle, no partner.
Being a terrible mother wasn't strictly out of choice but out of her emotional struggle: she wasn't physically abusive to her son but emotionally neglectful and distant, enough to the point that he grew up believing that his mother didn't love him. (She did but at that point in her life she couldn't allow herself to feel it or show it, needing to hate his father to steel herself and build herself back up). Love to Rowena had let her become broken at her weakest point and she wouldn't let herself feel that pain again: and that pain came from love (and betrayal).
Even though Rowena wasn't emotionally available for Fergus she was physically present (in his early childhood) and there were some fond memories that she had of their life together, even if he couldn't remember them (due to his own pain). She sang him lullabies, taught him about the animals she kept, took him with her when she went into town and, when Rowena began learning about magic, taught him aspects of magic. Despite how poor they were he also grew up healthy and fed, and she attempted to clothe him.
Rowena's foray into magic ended up being the start of trouble for them. Fergus was eight when she was forced out of Scotland, chased out during the Witch Trials and though she survived she left Fergus behind. It was both a poor choice moment of Rowena's but also an attempt at something better for him: she was left alone, had nowhere to sleep and her health and condition were incredibly poor at that time (described by Catriona Loughlin as a rag doll, flea-bitten and dirty) which was not something a child should go through. When Rowena left Scotland she left Fergus in a workhouse, a marginally better environment than her own. The poor choice from her is that she never returned for him, though it also took decades for Rowena to get herself onto her feet again.
Whilst Rowena never went back of him it is noted that she did keep tabs on him, having heard of his death after it had happened. Unfortunately, they weren't close enough tabs to ever then know of her grandson (or that might have influenced her actions) but despite her complicated feelings for her son she had been saddened by his death then.
When Rowena and Fergus reunite it's centuries later, Fergus having sold his soul to a demon before dying and later rising up to becoming King of Hell. When Rowena first meets him again she doesn't react motherly at all, trying to manipulate him for her own gains due to the power that he holds and wanting to have a place where she can feel secure. Whilst neither trusts the other, Rowena does (in a strange way) attempt to bond with Fergus and does act in a way that she genuinely believes is in his best interests: after her experiences with the Men of Letters she finds the Winchesters (hunters) threatening to both herself and Fergus, tries to help him keep a strong hand over Hell to ensure his rule and tries to reminisce and spend time with him. It's heavily layered in her manipulations but Rowena has never known how to be a mother and after spending centuries on the run has never felt settled, safe or been able to build many good social connections.
Their lack of trust means that he doesn't appreciate her efforts, Rowena ends up going too far in her efforts and both of them spend a chunk of the next few months trying to kill each other. But life keeps throwing them back into each other's lives and they do start to form a bond, particularly after Fergus gets an honest story out of Rowena due to using a Witchcatcher on her, forcing her to tell the truth about why she hates him (see above) and learning of some of her trauma and struggles in the process. It's not an easy story for either of them but it does give them both a moment of clarity and even footing, and being forced to work together with the Winchesters helps them to develop a little bit of caring for the other. When Rowena is killed by Lucifer (the first time) he seems to be visibly moved by it (and afraid of Lucifer) and later shows a slightly more caring hand towards her.
And then Rowena learns that she has a grandson. This is something that she's thrilled about, incredibly nervous but is excited to meet him and spend some time with him. The two talk a little about her early life, Gavin curious about his father when he was younger, and Rowena is honest with him, though there's clear guilt to her actions and what had happened during that period of her life (guilt and embarrassment).
Sadly, due to horrible circumstances, Rowena barely gets a chance to know him. Gavin had been brought through time years previously and to help restore the timeline he'd needed to be sent back, something that Rowena helped with. This was something that Fergus was abjectly against, refusing to let his son die when they had a new chance together and thus had a lot of scorn for Rowena for her help in sending Gavin back in time. Though, whilst Rowena had agreed to help it upset her, knowing that she had a grandson that she'd never met, mourning for the family she didn't have. When Fergus confronts her about it she responds to his scorn with her own unkindness, claiming that she'd done it to hurt him (given how he'd hurt her by "forcing" her to kill Oskar, a young boy she'd loved like a son), but her words are too emotional to be true, trying to hurt him to deflect from her own pain (so no one can see her weakness).
Rowena's emotions kick to a new level when she learns that Fergus has died (his final death) and whilst Rowena describes this as an unexpected reaction it's her finally feeling all of the emotion for her son that she'd bottled away for centuries: how much she'd loved him, the guilt that her choices and actions caused on his life and wishing that she could have done so much differently to give him a different life (where he didn't sell his soul to a demon or drink himself to death). It also makes Rowena go a little wild in her actions, unable to resurrect him herself (he was a demon), she tries to call Death out to get her son back, showing the lengths that she will go to for her family (and how much she truly did care).
★ POWER AND REDEMPTION
Rowena was born in Scotland in the 17th century, a tanner's daughter, incredibly poor and someone with few prospects. Her parents were very absent when she was young, needing to work due to their monetary situation (and potentially dying young from health and conditions) and Rowena ended up finding love in the first man who made her happy. And then quickly devastated by the same man, a man who claimed to love her but abandoned her as she gave birth to their son. This was the first heartbreak that Rowena had known in her life and became a pivotal moment for her: she was not someone to love, men were cruel and she would be abandoned.
Not satisfied by her circumstances, wanting more of her life and needing something to protect herself with, Rowena began learning about witchcraft and magic. She was naturally talented at it, a natural witch and her efforts became noticed in the village she lived in by the townsfolk. And hunters: the British Men of Letters. Scotland wasn't safe for witches at that time, many women (and witches) that Rowena knew were burned alive, with Rowena only avoiding that due to being chased out of Scotland. This was her second tragedy: needing to feel safe had led to the loss of so much.
Alone and with nothing to her, Rowena travelled Europe in search of somewhere to rest, to find safety and to learn more about magic. She'd heard of a family of witches, very powerful witches and made her way to find them, though Rowena was very quickly rejected by them, refused any attention and was turned away. Rowena, finding her way to Italy, found a mentor in a Milanese witch who gave her refuge and the Grand Coven. Though they were judgemental of Rowena for having had a child with a non-magical person, they permitted her entry to the coven based on her great talent. However, they would later banish her from the coven, binding her magic due to believing her to be reckless and too wild for them, uncontrollable. These were her third and fourth betrayals which only further reinforced the idea that Rowena was unlovable and undesirable and that the only person she could count on was herself, that no one else would be in her corner.
But they were wrong, misjudging the woman who was before her, who had been shaped by the betrayals and fear that she'd known in her life. Rowena had turned to magic initially to give herself something more in her life, to be safe and secure, to be able to protect herself and to not feel weak as she had when she'd been rejected by the father of her child. Since then Rowena had only sought to strengthen her knowledge of magic, to learn, to be part of witch society, particularly with the coven. She wanted to learn, apt at magic, to grow the one thing in her life that she felt good at. And to continue feeling safe with a home, with a family, with a piece of stability in her life.
But she was alone again.
Until she finally found kindness. A Polish family took pity on Rowena, granting her safety in their home, a place to rest for a time. This kindness was the first thing that Rowena had felt in a very long time and it allowed her to heal a little, spending time cared for by them and helping them in return. They had a son, an 8-year-old who reminded her dearly of the child that she'd abandoned, however he was terminally ill. In gratitude to the family for helping her she healed his illness, bestowing immortality upon him before leaving them, rested, and a little healed.
However, Rowena didn't leave so willingly. After being banished, Rowena had to keep moving, unable to settle anywhere for too long: she was on the run from the Grand Coven, forbidden by them to use magic but not actually listening to that rule. So she kept moving, looking over her shoulder for the next few centuries, and becoming incredibly guarded. Though Rowena did settle for a time across the world, living in London and America (amongst other places) she never had anywhere she could stay for long, unable to really make a life for herself. So Rowena did what she could, finding ways to make money for the pieces of life that she could carve out before she had to run again.
But constantly being on the run, constantly looking over her shoulder and guarding herself made Rowena colder and harsher. She used her magic for herself, getting what she needed in the moment and though she never intentionally set out to hurt anyone she used her magic even knowing that there would be consequences, that some of her spells would kill people. But she justified it: she was looking out for herself no matter what. To others it made Rowena appear to be evil being so cold and uncaring, but it would be something that Rowena pushed the regret down as. Who would look out for her if she didn't? And why should she care for others when no one cared for her? So she embraced what people said, choosing not to argue against it. No one would listen anyway.
But there was always one thing missing from her life: happiness. And, after finding her son and being dragged into supernatural events (regrets!) a second: security. The desire to feel safe ends up leading Rowena to make some very terrible choices. Rowena knows that power means safety, it's what she's built her thinking on (and her own power) which is why she first tries to manipulate her son (to have the power and security of the King of Hell behind her) but after being rejected by him she sets her sights higher: Lucifer. After Lucifer comes to her in a dream she betrays the Winchesters plan to try and free Lucifer, succeeding in doing so. Except he's as self-serving as she's been, killing her for her efforts (so that she can never imprison him back in the cafe). However, Rowena's life has taught her to be one step ahead, teaching her how to survive and death doesn't stop her: not with the resurrection seal within her body.
Scared from her death and wanting nothing to do with anything supernatural, Rowena had tried to build herself a normal life. She was no longer afraid of the coven, letting herself settle and though she'd built up some money over the years it wasn't enough to feel secure. So she did what any normal woman would: try and find love. Although Rowena's hopes of love weren't real, the money and security that having someone in her life could offer her was really what she sought, looking for an easier life and trying to capture the feeling that she'd never had.
Not that Rowena would get her wish, dragged into more supernatural events, killed again and back at the beginning. Afraid. Weak. But also determined. Though Rowena had been seeking for years to try and remove the seal on her magic, to unleash her full power, it wasn't until again encountering the Loughlin family that Rowena found a way to do so. Whilst it hadn't been as pressing to break the spell it had always been a thought in her mind but now? Dying, the torture that Lucifer had put her through and the terror that she now felt were the push to seek more power: for protection, to feel safe, to never feel helpless again.
Whilst Rowena did manage to complete this, and it did make her feel safe (for the first time in a very long time) her life still lacked something: happiness.
It had been a long time since Rowena had thought about that for herself, but due to getting involved with the Winchesters, it had been something that had started cropping up more and more. And she couldn't help but now feel lost. Rowena had always sought power to feel safe, finding happiness in it, but after meeting God and his sister and finding them (the two most powerful beings in the universe) struggling with the same sibling issues that mortals did, it made her wonder what she'd spent her life doing.
The Winchesters also managed to confuse this. Originally, whenever they'd called Rowena had made a bargain with them, neither side trusting the other and Rowena trying to get something out of it for her benefit. After meeting God? Those bargains stopped. Rowena slowly began to realise that the Winchesters were not as terrible as other hunters she'd known, that they were looking out for the good of the world, and subconsciously it encouraged her to do the same. She offered help when they asked without asking for something in return. And every time they asked they got to know her a little better, she got to know them a little better and a fondness started to grow.
Particularly for Sam Winchester, though Rowena wouldn't realise how long that fondness had been growing.
Sam had first asked Rowena for help when they were "mortal enemies" and this was new to Rowena, feeling useful, being desired for her magic, being needed. Though she'd bargained then and not realised that this feeling was what brought her happiness it was also what made her more willing to help every time they asked: she didn't need a bargain to get something because doing the right thing did something, it brought her contentment, it served well for her life and it slowly built friendships and security. She didn't need to fear hunters if she helped them, the world would be safer and she would be safer.
Though Rowena still had many regrets in her life, and many things to learn, finally feeling wanted and needed in her life ended up bringing her more happiness and security than she'd thought she could ever obtain. It gave her the thing she'd always desired in life.
If only someone had tried that centuries ago. She'd have lived a very different life, knowing kindness and being kinder.